Bullying: Suicidal at Six - When 'Teasing' is actually Trauma

N.B.  There is an easy read version (shorter and bullet pointed), an infographic and translations at the bottom of this post 

My world at six looked a little like this - I'd spend almost all day every day (when not at school and having to hide it) sobbing uncontrollably to the point I couldn't breath. I'd have multiple panic attacks, certainly every night when sleep was absolutely impossible.  As time went on, the panic would grow so I wouldn't be able to sleep, and then I'd just cry myself through til dawn when finally mental and physical exhaustion would kick in and I'd fall asleep for what was left of the night (usually about an hour).  I'd comfort eat, pigging out of multiple packets of biscuits in just one day.  I'd wet the bed at night.  And I'd hang from the banister rail threatening to jump or hold a knife to my chest.  I was extremely suicidal - I wanted to die.  This is not what the world of a six year old should look like EVER.

Whilst there were more things going on in my world than just the bullying, a very substantial part (a good 50%) of how I felt was down to this.  So many times I've heard adults pass off bullying as 'they're just kids' or 'it builds character' or a favourite one I was told in my household was to 'just ignore them' (or my parents would say 'turn the other cheek').  These are totally unhelpful comments that do not match with the devastating reality of bullying.

Here are some reasons why bullying is so devastating.  A child under 10 does not have a thorough grasp yet of the future.  So when something happens like bullying on an every day basis, for a child, this just translates to FOREVER.  There will never be an escape.

Evolutionarily, humans are wired to be part of a tribe, a society, to work together for survival.  So when a child's peers (their tribe) rejects them continuously, this leads them to feelings of worthlessness, shame, despair, uselessness, and ultimately feeling suicidal.

Frighteningly, studies show that bullying by a child's peer group is actually a better predictor for depression and suicidality in adulthood than abuse or genetic predisposition.

This is not just 'kids being kids'.

I will do some further posts on this subject in future weeks.

A song I really like that I think is very apt is Kelly Rowland's Stole and can be found here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5o01uU7OdnQ&list=RD5o01uU7OdnQ&start_radio=1

Resources

For Immediate Crisis Intervention:

• The Samaritans: Call 116 123 or visit The Samaritans for confidential, 24/7 suicide prevention support.
• Childline: Call 0800 1111 or use the Childline Online Services for young people under 19 dealing with severe bullying.

For Anti-Bullying Tools & Support:

• Anti-Bullying Alliance: Use the expert toolkits and frameworks available via the Anti-Bullying Alliance UK to understand school-based interventions.
• NSPCC Learning: Access the curated NSPCC Anti-Bullying Library and Toolkits for deeper research on peer abuse.

For Trauma & Nervous System Recovery:

• The Anna Freud Centre: Explore child-and-parent-focused mental health

References

Copeland, W. E., et al. (2013). "Adult Psychiatric and Suicide Outcomes of Bullying and Being Bullied by Peers in Childhood and Adolescence." JAMA Psychiatry. This landmark longitudinal study proved that victims of bullying have vastly elevated rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation well into their mid-20s.

Lereya, S. T., et al. (2015). "Contributions of childhood peer victimization and/or maltreatment to mental health problems." The Lancet Psychiatry. Found that being bullied by peers has long-term negative mental health effects that are often more pronounced than being abused by adults.

 

Easy read

- Me at six - suicidal.  Bet wetting, nightly panic attacks, every day sobbing uncontrollably, comfort eating, hanging from the banister or holding knifes to my chest.  Wanting badly to be dead.

- Parents often pass off bullying or say things like it's 'kids just being kids', 'it builds character', or 'just ignore them' / 'turn the other cheek' - these are unhelpful and misinformed comments

- Some reasons why it is so damaging to kids include children not yet having a grasp of the future.  So they do not understand that this is temporary, but instead can believe it is FOREVER.

- Another reason is that we are wired to 'belong' to a tribe.  And a child's peers are their tribe.  So they will feel worthless and rejected, and ultimately suicidal.

- Studies show that bullying by a child's peer group is actually a better predictor for depression and suicidality in adulthood than abuse or genetic predisposition.

Mandarin Chinese

• Wo liu sui shi — you zisha xiangfa. Niao chuang, mei wan de konghuang faxie, mei tian du wu fa kongzhi de kuqi, qingxu xing jinshi, diao zai lou ti lan gan shang, huo ba daozi na zai xiongkou. Feichang qianglie di xiang yao si.

• Fumu changchang hui ba qihfu dang zuo xiao hai zhi jian de shi, huo zhe shuo yi xie xiang "xiao haizi jiu shi zheyang", "zhe hui rang ta men geng jianqiang", huo "bie guan ta men" / "ren yi bu hai yi bu" zhe yang de hua — zhe xie dou shi mei you bangzhu, erqie shi cuowu de kanfa.

• Qihfu zhi suoyi dui haizi zaocheng ru ci shen de shanghai, yi ge yuanyin shi haizi hai mei you wanquan li jie "weilai" de nengli. Suoyi, ta men bu mingbai zhe zhi shi zan shi de, fan'er ke neng hui renwei zhe hui yizhi chi xu xiaqu, yongyuan dou bu hui jieshu.

• Ling yi ge yuanyin shi, ren lei tian sheng jiu you "shuyu mou ge qunti" de xuyao. Dui yi ge haizi lai shuo, ta men de tongling ren jiu shi ta men de qunti. Suoyi, ta men hui gan dao ziji hao wu jiazhi, bei paichi, zui zhong shen zhi chan sheng zisha xiangfa.

• Yanjiu biao ming, yi ge haizi de tongling qunti dui ta de qihfu, shi yuce ta chengnian hou huan shang yizhen zheng he chuxian zisha xingwei de geng hao zhibiao, shen zhi bi er tong shou dao nue dai huo you yichuan yinsu geng neng yuce zhe yi dian.

Hindi

• Main chhah saal ki thi — aatmahatya ke vicharon ke saath. Bistar geela karna, har raat panic attacks, har din apne aansuon par kabu na rakh paana, jazbaati taur par zyada khana, railing se latakna ya chaaku apni chhaati par rakhna. Main bahut zyada marna chahti thi.

• Mata-pita aksar bullying ko nazarandaaz kar dete hain ya aisi baatein kehte hain jaise "bachche to bachche hi hote hain", "isse tumhara charitra mazboot hota hai", ya "bas unhein nazarandaaz karo" / "ek gaal par thappad pade to doosra gaal aage kar do" — ye baatein madadgaar nahi hain aur galat jaankari par aadharit hain.

• Bullying bachchon ke liye itni nuksandeh hone ka ek kaaran yah hai ki bachchon ko abhi bhavishya ki poori samajh nahi hoti. Isliye ve yah nahi samajh paate ki yah sthiti asthaayi hai, balki ve maan sakte hain ki yah HAMESHA ke liye rahegi.

• Ek aur kaaran yah hai ki insaan swabhavik roop se kisi "samuh ka hissa" banne ke liye bane hain. Aur ek bachche ke liye uske hum-umar bachche hi uska samuh hote hain. Isliye ve khud ko bekaar aur thukraya hua mehsoos kar sakte hain, aur aakhirkaar aatmahatya ke vichar tak pahunch sakte hain.

• Adhyayan dikhate hain ki bachche ke hum-umar samuh dwara ki gayi bullying, vayask hone par depression aur aatmahatya ki pravritti ka ek behtar sanketak hai, tulna mein bachpan mein hue durvyavhaar ya anuvanshik pravritti ke.

Spanish

• Yo a los seis años — con pensamientos suicidas. Mojaba la cama, tenía ataques de pánico todas las noches, lloraba desconsoladamente todos los días, comía en exceso para sentirme mejor, me colgaba de la barandilla o me ponía cuchillos contra el pecho. Deseaba desesperadamente estar muerta.

• Los padres a menudo restan importancia al bullying o dicen cosas como "los niños son niños", "eso fortalece su carácter", o "simplemente ignóralos" / "si te dan una bofetada en una mejilla, pon la otra" — estos comentarios no son útiles y están basados en una información equivocada.

• Una de las razones por las que el bullying puede ser tan perjudicial para los niños es que todavía no tienen una comprensión completa del futuro. Por eso, no entienden que esta situación es temporal, sino que pueden llegar a creer que será así PARA SIEMPRE.

• Otra razón es que los seres humanos estamos programados para "pertenecer" a una tribu o grupo. Para un niño, sus compañeros son su grupo. Por eso pueden sentirse inútiles y rechazados y, en última instancia, llegar a tener pensamientos suicidas.

• Los estudios demuestran que sufrir bullying por parte del grupo de compañeros de un niño es, de hecho, un mejor predictor de depresión y tendencias suicidas en la edad adulta que haber sufrido abusos o tener una predisposición genética.