Trauma - Dissociative amnesia

N.B. for an easy read version, please see the bottom of the post as well as an infographic and translations. 

Hi,

So this is my first post about trauma.  I have been through a LOT of it.  I may post more regarding this in the future.  But I thought I'd start with a post about dissociation - specifically dissociative amnesia (there are several types of dissociation, this is just one of them.  I will look at others at a later point).  

So to describe it, your brain basically filters out / forgets things it doesn't want to remember.  The memories are there somewhere, but the brain will not allow you to access them.  To some degree, everybody has a level of dissociative amnesia - but for everyday things as we could not cope with all the stimuli if we didn't.  Think about the last time you were on a bus or in/driving a car to a place you regularly go.  Now can you remember every single detail of that journey?  What the car in front looked like?  Going down every road?  How many people you passed by?  No, you were probably thinking about the day ahead or planning dinner, or that shopping you have to do.  Your brain can kind of go into 'autopilot' mode to allow you to function.  And that's kind of what it does for those who've suffered trauma.  If they remembered every last bit of their traumas, they wouldn't be able to function.

So I have huge dissociative amnesia.  I remember next to nothing about my childhood, adolescence and some of my early adulthood.  Almost all I have (there are some exceptions) are like 'still shots' of moments in time and very grainy faint imagery that I cannot put together.  Another aspect to the amnesia is that I/my body doesn't feel/remember the feelings that I did back then.  I know what they were and just how painful they were, but again it's grainy.  It basically feels like a different person.  There is no continuum between that childhood self and the adult self.

So this sounds like a really cool mechanism right?  And to some extent it is.  It does allow me to function.  But a couple of down sides would be that firstly, I can never really deal with a lot of my trauma despite it causing me a lot of issues, because I cannot access it.  I just know it happened.  But secondly, on a more day to day level, I cannot join in those conversations when people start talking about their childhoods e.g. watching that kids programme, either because those things didn't happen in my childhood, or quite simply because I don't remember.  So it can leave you slightly isolated in some situations.

So that's a bit about dissociative amnesia.  Any questions, do ask.

Easy read

- Dissociative Amnesia: the brain in essence filters out / forgets things it doesn't want to remember.  The memories are there somewhere, but the brain will not allow you to access them.

- Everyone has dissociative amnesia to some extent.  You filter out all the unimportant people you pass (but HAVE seen) on a daily basis.

- This is what happens for trauma survivors, only super charged so they don't remember everything about their trauma.  It allows them not to get overwhelmed and to continue to function.

- For me, I can remember next to nothing from childhood.

- Dissociative amnesia also affects the feelings.  A person can be 'aware' that they felt a certain way when they were young, but be totally unable to get in touch with those feelings, or even feel like a completely different person.

- It has positives because it allows me to function

- But it has negatives because I cannot process trauma that I cannot remember.  Nor can I join in normal conversations about things you did or liked in childhood

Mandarin Chinese

• Dissociative Amnesia: ben zhi shang, da nao hui guo lv diao / wang ji yi xie ta bu xiang ji zhu de shi qing. Zhe xie ji yi qi shi zai mou ge di fang cun zai, dan da nao bu hui rang ni fang wen ta men.

• Mei ge ren zai mou zhong cheng du shang dou hui you jie li xing yi wang. Li ru, ni mei tian hui jing guo hen duo bu zhong yao de ren, ni qi shi kan dao guo ta men, dan da nao hui guo lv diao zhe xie xin xi.

• Dui yu chuang shang jing li zhe lai shuo, ye shi tong yang de yuan li, zhi shi zhe ge guo cheng bei ji qi jia qiang le, yin ci ta men bu hui ji de guan yu chuang shang de suo you xi jie. Zhe ke yi bang zhu ta men bu bei chuang shang de nei rong che di ya dao, bing rang ta men neng gou ji xu zheng chang sheng huo.

• Dui wo lai shuo, wo ji hu ji bu de xiao shi hou de ren he shi qing.

• Jie li xing yi wang bu jin hui ying xiang ji yi, ye hui ying xiang gan qing. Yi ge ren ke neng "zhi dao" zi ji nian qing shi you guo mou zhong gan shou, dan que wan quan wu fa zhi jie jie chu dao na xie gan qing, shen zhi hui gan jue zi ji xiang shi yi ge wan quan bu tong de ren.

• Ta ye you ji ji de yi mian, yin wei ta rang wo neng gou ji xu zheng chang sheng huo.

• Dan ta ye you fu mian de yi mian, yin wei wo wu fa chu li na xie wo ji bu de chuang shang. Wo ye wu fa can yu yi xie pu tong de tan hua, bi ru tan lun ni xiao shi hou zuo guo shen me, huo zhe xi huan guo shen me.

Hindi

• Dissociative Amnesia: asal mein dimaag un cheezon ko filter out ya bhool jata hai jinhe woh yaad nahi rakhna chahta. Yaadein kahin na kahin maujood hoti hain, lekin dimaag aapko un tak pahunchne nahi deta.

• Har kisi mein kisi had tak dissociative amnesia hota hai. Aap roz jin logon ke paas se guzarte hain aur jinhe aapne dekha hota hai, unmein se jo log mahatvapurn nahi hain, dimaag unki jaankari ko filter out kar deta hai.

• Trauma se guzre hue logon ke saath bhi yahi hota hai, lekin bahut zyada teevr roop mein, taaki unhe apne trauma ke baare mein sab kuch yaad na rahe. Isse unhe bahut zyada overwhelmed hone se bachne aur apni zindagi mein kaam karte rehne mein madad milti hai.

• Mere liye, mujhe apne bachpan ki lagbhag kuch bhi yaad nahi hai.

• Dissociative amnesia feelings ko bhi prabhavit karta hai. Ek vyakti ko "pata" ho sakta hai ki jab woh chhota tha tab usne kisi khaas tarah se mehsoos kiya tha, lekin woh un feelings ko bilkul bhi mehsoos ya unse jud nahi pata, ya use aisa lag sakta hai ki woh ek bilkul alag vyakti hai.

• Iska ek positive pehlu hai, kyunki iski wajah se main kaam kar paata hoon aur apni zindagi jaari rakh paata hoon.

• Lekin iska ek negative pehlu bhi hai, kyunki main us trauma ko process nahi kar sakta jise mujhe yaad hi nahi hai. Main bachpan mein aapne kya kiya tha ya aapko kya pasand tha, is tarah ki saamanya baatcheet mein bhi shamil nahi ho sakta.

Spanish

• Amnesia disociativa: en esencia, el cerebro filtra u olvida las cosas que no quiere recordar. Los recuerdos están ahí en algún lugar, pero el cerebro no te permite acceder a ellos.

• Todo el mundo experimenta algún grado de amnesia disociativa. Cada día filtras a todas las personas que pasas por la calle y que no son importantes para ti, aunque las hayas visto.

• Esto es lo que ocurre con las personas que han sobrevivido a un trauma, solo que de una manera mucho más intensa, para que no recuerden todo lo relacionado con su trauma. Esto les permite no sentirse completamente abrumadas y poder seguir funcionando.

• En mi caso, no puedo recordar prácticamente nada de mi infancia.

• La amnesia disociativa también afecta a los sentimientos. Una persona puede ser "consciente" de que sintió algo de una determinada manera cuando era pequeña, pero ser completamente incapaz de conectar con esos sentimientos, o incluso sentir que es una persona completamente diferente.

• Tiene aspectos positivos porque me permite seguir funcionando.

• Pero también tiene aspectos negativos porque no puedo procesar un trauma que no puedo recordar. Tampoco puedo participar en conversaciones normales sobre las cosas que hacías o que te gustaban durante la infancia.